Wife: "How would you describe
me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
A child asked his father, "How
were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies,
then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child
then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We
were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran
back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied,
"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Anonymous
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Montgomery...
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but
warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed
potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later,
she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I
put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he
jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all
my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says,
"I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation
will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says,
"that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
Mariah
A husband exclaims to his wife one day,
"Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers,
"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one
little weenie?"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his
wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow
morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6
seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left
for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since
Friday.
meriwether12
A lady comes home from her doctor's
appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so
happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year
old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh
yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five
year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the
conversation."
Mark
My Words
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a
jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
Anonymous
Ralph is driving home one evening, when
he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her
a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop
assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a
condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues,
"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph
asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only
$19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced
Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Joseph
A wife comes home late one night and
quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four
legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and
starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the
kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a
magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I
let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Eddie
k
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or
ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
After Brian proposed to Jill, his
father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the
first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your
mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and
she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to
her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I
always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single
problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife
on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they
were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,”
said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude,
you never will!”
Anonymous
A married man was having an affair with
his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they
took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell
asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the
woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove
home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've
been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't
wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Anonymous
A man joins a soccer team and his new
teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will
have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a
detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked
how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain
exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about
yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more
and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the
supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last
night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your
husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and
replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second
time he was sick."
Anonymous
A man escapes from prison where he has
been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds
a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He
ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then
gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his
wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I
love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked
me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
I love you, too!"
peeh
A police officer attempts to stop a car
for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100
mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The
cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is
almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let
you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran
away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to
give her back!"
James
Harris
A guy and his wife are sitting and
watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This
is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife.
“Now you know how I always feel.”
Kid.KT
A man asks his wife, "What would
you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave
your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now
get out!"
Anonymous
Women might be able to fake orgasms,
but men can fake a whole relationship.
A man approached a very beautiful woman
in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk
to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful
woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
penehoff
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